Friends… or lack thereof

It was so hard to fit in not only due to the fact that I was awkward and hardly spoke the language, but also because it was hard for me to outgoing. In my life in Mexico I was not quiet, I was actually quite rambunctious and social. What happened to me when I moved? I became withdrawn and lonely… most kids at school were nice, but I did not know how to properly socialize so I pushed them away. I was the typical kid to be picked last for everything. I not only blamed my awkwardness, but also the lack of fashionable clothing and huge glasses!! I honestly thought that everyone at school knew I shopped at Good Will and that I had a bed wetting problem. I remember playing hands up seven up and smelling urine on me. Why would anyone pick me, I was not worthy.

For a long time I tried to figure out why I developed this problem. I don’t recall having this issue when I lived in Mexico. Therapist say changes can cause trauma to a child and can revert them back to certain behaviors. My lack of confidence was also from shame, at my age I should not be wetting the bed. My caretaker was not happy with it and berated me every morning, to a point where I did not want to wake up. It was not something I could control.

Although, most kids were not mean they did not want to be my friend. I was not invited to parties or sleepovers. The house was not close to neighbors and I was not allowed to have anyone over. Most of the time I yearned for my life in Mexico with my aunts and cousins and mostly my Mother. I felt abandoned and left in a world I did not understand, a world where I was not happy, a world that did not make sense. I yearned for love, for hugs, and for kind words. I believe this is when I began to think I was not worth loving and being cared for, not in a sense of basic needs for in a loving way. I also was confused at the differences of my time in Mexico where I felt loved and accepted and my life in the US where I was existing and trying to survive.

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